I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
