I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
