it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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