Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
