So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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