I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Someone shattered a urinal.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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