If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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