you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I am available for nakedness
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
