i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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