Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
