i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
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Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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