I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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