The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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