If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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