I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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