PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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