i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Randomize
