Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
