I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
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God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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