Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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