Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
