The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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