SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
