bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
