Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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