I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
