Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
