why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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