I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
