So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
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Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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