I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
you are never too drunk for berry picking
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
