I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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