...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
