Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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