we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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