69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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