grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
