May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
