Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
