and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
