So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
