Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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