I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
