Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Text me some of your sweat
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
