Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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