It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
