I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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