there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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