It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
