I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
