I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
