no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
