I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
