the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
